Valerie Smiler
Valerie Smiler, TFP Mother
From Asheville, NC, Valerie shares with us about her son Gabriel, who was born December 19, 2018:
“Gabriel was everything to me. I am chronically ill and have had a lot of struggles in my life. The moment I found out he existed I knew I had a new purpose in life. When he died, that purpose was taken away from me. I kept telling myself it was a sick joke and that his heart would start beating again any minute. I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. We spent the day holding and loving him. Looking at him and knowing he'd never open his eyes was the most pain I've ever endured. His short time with us was the best time of my life, and I'll miss him every second of every day until the end.”
Q. Where are you located and when was your loss?
A. I live in Asheville, NC, and we lost Gabriel in December 2018.
Q. Tell us your story of love and loss:
A. We were 8 1/2 months pregnant and only had 2-3 weeks before they were to induce labor. Gabriel was born December 19th 2018. He was 5lbs 11oz. He was a little big for his age because I had gestational diabetes, but he was perfect.
Gabriel was everything to me. I am chronically ill and have had a lot of struggles in my life. The moment I found out he existed I knew I had a new purpose in life. When he died that purpose was taken away from me. I kept telling myself it was a sick joke and that his heart would start beating again any minute. I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. We spent the day holding and loving him. Looking at him and knowing he'd never open his eyes was the most pain I've ever endured. His short time with us was the best time of my life, and I'll miss him every second of every day until the end.
Q. What's the best thing someone said to you in the midst of your grief?
A. When we were in the hospital a cafeteria worker came up to us and told us her story of loss. She told us "it never gets better, but it gets easier." Those words helped pull us through.
Q. If you had advice for a new grieving mom, what would it be?
A. It never gets better, but it does get easier. Eventually your stomach will unknot, the tears will stop flowing and you'll be able to put one foot in front of the other. Your life will never be the same, but it does go on.
Q. How has The Finley Project helped you during your time of grief?
A. My Finley Project volunteer, Helen, has been an amazing support and I feel lucky to know her. I haven't made any other lasting connections, but I have met so many moms that shared stories of their own losses. Those moments always mean a lot to me.
Things definitely would have been a lot harder without TFP. I wasn't going to apply, because for some reason I thought my loss would be rejected. But I did, and I don't regret it. The meals got us eating again and kept us from having to go to the grocery store for a while, which was a huge trigger for me. The massages let me relax and breathe. My volunteer listened when no one else understood what I was going through. TFP really helped me get through to the other side of my grief.
